Friday, March 18, 2011
I'm Not Ready
June is bearing down on me. I feel the anxiety in my heart. I am so proud of my son, but realize, as a mom, that my initial job as a teacher and mentor and booboo-kisser and conscience-raiser is coming to a close and soon I will assume the role of consultant, looker-on, while he moves on toward adulthood and total independence. I realize he will be living at home, at least through the first year of college, but again realize that he will be an adult.
I am panicking a little bit here and there. What if I did not teach him enough? What if the life we gave him, did not give him enough reality? What if he really is not ready? My heart is so full of pride for the man he is becoming before my very eyes, and I see some of the choices he is making and I realize that most of what we taught him, he learned well. He said to me the other day...Mom, you raised me to think better than that...so maybe we did ok, but I am still anxious.
I know that growing up is an independent thing, that each of us have to learn for ourselves. I did, but as a parent, the anxiety is still there. I am sure this is a inner struggle for most parents, and letting go is so hard, but just yesterday, he was this little blond-headed rascal that giggled like there was no tomorrow and ran up to me to hug my legs and almost bowl me over with his force.
He is running towards his independent life just like that, and I pray that he does not run into an obstacle that hurts him or that he cannot handle. I pray that his adult life, will be filled with as much joy as we had, having him all these years so far. I know he is not going away, it's just that I look forward to seeing him every day, and I know that he will move on, and I will miss him. I do not want to be one of those moms that criticize his adult choices and meddle in his business either, so I will quietly look on, offering any support and encouragement that I can, while he becomes independent.
I truly am not ready for the day when he leaves our home for his own, and even now, knowing that graduation is just a couple months away, I recognize I am not ready for him to graduate and be ALL GROWN UP! I pray for his success and happiness, even now!
Love and hugs, Lara