flying under the radar and why that is nice

Been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Usually at work, I can just come in, do my job, take care of my patients and go home. Besides feeling like I could work until 8 pm every night, I am feeling the pressure to be as good as people think I am. Let me explain. I do a good job at what I do. I am nurturing and a problem solver and am ingenious at finding ways to get things done in a system that is saran-wrapped in red tape that is the federal government.

Ok, so here is the thing. And it is big, to me. Ever since I found out that I was nominated for that award, I have been feeling pressure. To be as good as people must think I am because they nominated me ( and I must point out, that I do not know which coworker(s) did so). So I am making myself crazy trying to be amenable and flexible to everyone. Now granted, I am usually that way but now I feel I must keep it up at all times, so that those who shall not be named (and unknown to me), do not regret putting their nomination out there. That is messed up in my mind. I should continue doing what I do, as I do it, have been doing it, because that is what they saw in me in the first place.

So here I am, trying, trying to just be like I am, but I find myself walking taller, trying to be kinder, gentler, more flexible, anyway. And then on top of it, my boss is trying to write me up for a Nurse III--which is hard to get with a BAN, you almost have to have a Master's Degree to get this and she seems to think that she sees evidence that I am performing at that level. So here is more pressure. AND, now she writes my proficiency to say that I am outstanding in all degrees in my performance. So what am I griping about? If I get it, it means that I get a sizable raise and a whole lot of other doors open for me. So where is the gripe? They always say that the majority of people who are performing well are not recognized for their accomplishments, so why am I complaining?

I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. I think it stems from the fact that I am my own worst critic and that I still believe that deep down, I am not worth it. But to be truthful, I know that I have been working towards this moment for a long time. I have pushed myself to become a respected part of our facility. I am not a ladder climber. I have not squashed people on my way up the steps either. I pride myself on good patient care and all that that entails, including making the processes better. That is how I got here and I do not have anything to regret or feel guilty about. I just need to adjust to this. I know that I am afraid of getting a big head though. Why should I worry? Well, I kind of keep thinking about my weight loss as part of it. People take me more seriously now. They look at me more. When I was overweight, I could fly under the radar, and now all the sudden, people actually see me and it makes me nervous. I know I look better and more healthy everyday, even in my mind.

I am just scared to get a "she thinks she's all that" complex. I am not. I am perhaps the most humble person I know. And yet, here I am bringing this all out in the open. Well, besides the fact that there is only one or two people who actually read this, I find that that this is a good forum for me to put my thoughts out in a logical way. Perhaps I can type myself into a answer. Or not, but at least I have organized my thoughts for now. When computers were young, my dad had this psychology counseling program. You typed in your problem and the computer prompted you with openended questions until you got out what was bothering you...you know...and how does THAT make you feel...what ELSE can you tell me about this...can you give EXAMPLES...and so on. So this is my therapy. Sure wish I got paid $50/hr to counsel myself, I'd be rich. LOL.

SO I guess I will leave off with these words of inspiration...NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE! =O) Love and hugs!